Just In Case....

Dear Dad,

     Some secrets are not meant to be kept and this one is big one!And yet, as the fear creeps in, you want us to not reach out to family to find support... You don't want us to gossip. I don't know how you define gossip but that's not really it! I'm gonna be honest right here and now... I told them all!!! And I'd do it again in a heartbeat!
    You're heading into surgery that could take you away from us... From Him! That fatherless little boy, that idolizes you. You know the one, he quotes you like the bible, looks for you in the middle of the night, the one who secretly calls you DAD! And I need you to know how much I appreciate the way you love him. I'm so amazed at the way you've stepped up and filled the gap (I know you thought you were done raising kids!) And though at times HE is your redemption story, I truly believe you are his best shot at being a good man. Thank you, for making different decisions, better decisions, in the way you interact with him; I know he's complicated, it's something else you two have in common. Thank you, for putting a roof over our heads and working so hard to keep it there (I know how much you hate that job.) I could sit here and keep going listing all the things I appreciate but I really don't want to take away from the fact that you are loved and appreciated more than you know. I wish you could see you through his eyes....
    So, as you head into surgery remember my little boy and fight!

All My Love,
~K

Some People Have Expiration Dates....

Dear Mr. Expiration Date,

I always knew you’d be gone someday. I knew every time you said, “I’ll always be your friend” that it was a lie. And yet, I was the best friend a human could be to you.

I stood by you while you pushed others away and while others bailed voluntarily while you were drowning.  I was there with you when the darkness came and stayed covering you like wet blanket.  I came to you when the words you spoke drove stakes through my heart because I heard the whisper of your heart saying, “Please don’t leave me too.”  I watched as you tried to numb the pain pill after pill after pill because I wasn’t going to let you suffer alone… I questioned the road you were on, asked you to please slow down, begged you to find another path…. Waited for the time you went too far.

                And then that night, I stared into your empty eyes that looked right through me and asked you “Please don’t treat me this way… Don’t take our friendship for granted. Haven’t I earned at least a little bit of respect after everything this year has brought?” And you – You crossed your arms and said Nothing.  Again, I asked, “Has nothing I have done counted for anything? Why can’t you treat me the way I treat you?” Nothing…. And as the rain fell, soaking me to the bone I felt my heart sink. I looked in your eyes for some sign… a glimmer even, of the man you used to be and saw… Nothing.     I realize now, I was mistaken all along.  You are an imposter, a poser.  In truth, you are a broken lost little boy with a serious addiction. You, cannot value anything that doesn’t get you high. You cannot be who you were any longer and any attempt would simply be charade.
                And as I watched you drive away that night, I did not know that it was “goodbye forever.”  I didn’t know that you would be such a coward and not even tell me the truth.  And for a while, I just waited, I let the darkness come, I let the sadness fill me and then it truly set in… You bailed… completely! On me - our friendship… You threw me away like garbage.  And that’s when I BROKE. Just for a little while though and for that I am both grateful and proud of myself. You see, I am better off not being your sounding board, your nurse maid, your dinner service, your lover, your night watchman because none of this brought anything to my life the cost was too high.

                So, with a grieved heart, I thank you for walking away without as much as a goodbye. I thank you for showing me what it’s like to be a friend to someone who cannot see past themselves. Thank you for reminding me that without suffering there can be no compassion. Thank you for never really being my friend it made it easier to let you go… to let the pain go.

With All My Heart… Goodbye,

~K

A Little Bit About Letting Go...

The first set of letters I'm going to post are all about letting go. I don't really know why but I do a lot of letting go. And though I go through it often, the pain always resonates with that part of me that believes that everybody always leaves.  Yea, I'm a little broken in places but I'm always honest about it.

"Courage is the power to let go of the familiar."
            ~Raymond Lindquist~

"Inner peace can be reached only when we practice
forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past,
and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions."
           ~Gerald Jampolsky~

"Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of
something, loves something and has lost something."
        ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~

"Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head."
        ~Ann Landers~

"True love doesn't have a happy ending, because true love never ends. Letting go is one way of saying I love you."
        ~Author Unknown~

Excerpt of lyrics - Everybody Always Leaves by Matthew Ryan
...She took a mouthful of rain
With a gutter full of pills
She wrote, "I handled the pain,
But it's the hope that kills"
So take care of yourself
And don't worry about me

Cause everybody always
Everybody always leaves

Sometimes I can't remember nothing
Sometimes it shadows everything
Some Sundays it's as loud as thunder
In the morning when the telephone rings
Clearer days in some distant forecast
Dark days in this present past
In the blur of some phantom widescreen
I'll let go of what I never had
Don't leave...
Don't leave...
I’ll never understand...
Don't leave......

I remember sometimes
When you never came home
How I crawled inside
Those sad and lovely bones
That you left behind
Rarely held nor seen

Everybody always
Everybody always leaves
Don't leave...
Don't leave...
I’ll never understand...
Don't leave......

This is from PostSecret.com

Dear Donor,

            I would just like to Thank You for being the man you turned out to be.  It really has been the best experience of my life letting you go and falling in love with the gift you gave me.

            You see, you were just another in a long line of bad decisions on my part and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you bailing on me. I can’t say that I blame you, considering the amount of time you were spending doing the wake and bake and the drink yourself into oblivion… such an unholy dance. How could I expect you to care about the woman you supposedly loved and your unborn child?  You were so busy trying to escape yourself that your selfishness and raging narcissism made it impossible to see me…us.

            The thing is… I forgive you for leaving me when I found out I was sick (the big C is really scary), I forgive you for bailing when the darkness covered me like a wet blanket, and I completely forgive you for going on a 2 week bender when I found out I was pregnant. But I will never be able to grasp you not wanting to know a thing about the baby…

            I have run through it in my head a million times. I have wondered how I could have been so wrong about you and the only thing I have come up with is that you are Oscar worthy and a coward… In the end, you have lost the opportunity of knowing this fantastic child which is the greatest loss I can imagine!

            And so Dear Donor, once again I thank you for being the man you turned out to be. I thank you for being a coward, emotionally unavailable and a raging narcissist. I appreciate all you haven’t done for me and my child. And if you ever get the thought in your head to come looking for us….DON’T we are better off without you.

Sincerely,

~K

           

A Little Information About This Project....

 A few years ago, I got writers block really bad. After weeks of writing the alphabet, over and over, I got really frustrated and tired of writing A B C in capital and lower case I started wondering how I was going to get myself through it... I was really desperate and it was really effecting the way I was living my life... It started to look more like I was surviving it and barely at that I was starting to scare myself! I really believed that I was never going to be able to write again. So, I dug in, started reading everything about writing I could. Then I moved onto all kinds of books about psychology (thinking I could figure out a way to fix myself) and finally, I move on to the Bible ( Desperation.... ) And there it was right in front of me... Psalms.... Little notes/prayers to God and the idea was born.  I had been writing to my (at the time) unborn child for a long time but I realized it was time to take it to another level.  And so it began... The Letters Project V 1.0 . A letter everyday to someone, anyone it doesn't matter who they are but at least one letter a day.

It was fun at first, 
Dear Mailman, I really appreciate that you actually remember my name although I never get any mail.

Dear Garbage Truck Guy, Thanks so much for blocking my car in while you gawk at me like I'm nude at 7:30 in the morning. 

Dear Guy Who Pumps My Gas, You Suck! I hate that I have to trust you with my gas card and that you don't top off my tank.
And so on and so on... But then I realized, I really wasn't challenging myself and these letters meant nothing... They had no substance and that really wasn't me...Isn't me!  So,for the past two years I've been writing letters that have depth, truth, and substance. I'll be posting some older ones and adding newer ones as I write them... I hope you enjoy!