Desperately Seeking The Gift Of Grace

Raging Inside
I
Damage to Create
Pushing Everyone Away

I
Celebrate What I Don't Have

Find Me - Unspoiled

I
Look Closer At These Lovely Bones
A Fragment of What I Could Be

Free - Me Give Me Last Rites

I
Purge Inside Truths
Finding Perfect Balance Between Chaos and Solace

Forget Me - Leave No Trace

I
Imagine Erasing the Past
A Frightening Excersise in Futility

Raging Inside
I
Fight to Let Go
Compromise Stops Here

I
Settle No More

MINE...

A City that calls me after midnight
Does not forget me while the sun shines.
It holds me close - whispers in my ear,
Telling me secrets long lost in the flashing street lights.


A delicate balance between chaos and order,
Not unlike Ants marching.
A beautifully brilliant ensamble of sounds,
It is alive like at no other time.


I favor the rhythm in the air and move through the streets like a dancer on a stage,
A R A B E S Q U E...
P L I E'...
Finding the lost pieces to the puzzle in my mind.


A snapshot of a simpler time...
When is meant is, trust was effortless, and boys on boards rolled in and out of my life frequently.
When nothing was ever enough...
And there was no such thing as compromise.


A City that calls me after midnight does not forget me while the sun shines.

Satisfied

I am writing from the place of total emptiness. I think I'm frustrated by the process...its depressing! Freedom of expression has become overrated for the time being. I can only guess at the topics over the past month it has all been a blurr. I almost don't remember writing them...I think I might have had diarrhea of the pen. But in all this I have learned a few things and once again I have had to grow - change - adapt to the lessons that have presented themselves.
Vulnerability that stems from the creative process can be like getting drunk. Oddly enough, getting drunk - not my idea of a good time and yet every night I have put my pen to paper and plugged away. And ironically enough, most of the time I have fought off the urge to be drunk dialer - A cry for help that has always went unheard. However, like any good night out, I woke wondering where the hell I was and where the fuck did my underwear go? I am against getting drunk and even more than that I am against vulnerability...
Fear is worse than being constipated. I am really good at being afraid - it comes pretty natural. But I am also really good at doing the things I am afraid of because I know I can't get anywhere standing still. The contradiction comes when its time to say what it is inside me - I'm fucking all backed up and the wall- I always run into - and I have made peace. I have moments when everything is flowing... its all good but when its not its really bad. I'm cranky, pissy might be a better word, over emotional (almost Hallmark like) and immobile. Fear can be the greatest motivator but if it gets control it can have a powerful hold.
So, now I'm sitting here wondering what have a ruined in the past month? I'm wondering if I will be able to fix whatever I broke and if not will I regret what I've done? I am hoping that I will be able to learn to pace myself because that is not one of the lessons I have learned yet. And I am praying that there is a balance out there for me. I am thankful for the little voice in my head that says no even though I rarely listen and I am thankful that I have the capability to write especially when I am feeling lost. But for now, I am satisfied...

A Rant

I am confident that I do not want to be one of those girls that are on some guys list of chicks who throw themselves at him. I am also confident that any effort I make to define myself as anything else WILL most definitely be taken wrong (probably has been already.)
The thing is I put value on things other people do not. Honesty is priceless. When the desire to tell the truth is ignited it should be nurtured. And what I want to know is why is that so fucking wrong? Some people are completely ignorant to each other, to the effect they have on others and to the things others bring to the table that when I see goodness in people I am astounded. I tend to gravitate to it. And though it may be a sad state to be in, lately having no expectaitons seems like the obvious choice. It is a weakness for me and I do think it is often misread.
Part of that showed itself today, when I was told I lack social graces by someone I thought I knew. She was ignorant to start out with but it gave me pause anyway. First, I really wasn't sure why she would say such a thing. Then I wondered what the necessity for social graces was because it just seems like to have them I would have to be something I am not. And that is not something I am willing to do. I was taken back because she was not kind (she was down right mean) but she was at least trying to be honest... That is more than I can say for a lot of people.
This seems to be the week of getting exiled for me... I've been called a rouge by a bunch of college professors, I got called a bitch to my face in Panera Bread by a total stranger because I wouldn't take my headphones off while he was hitting on me and then the topper soldier boy started drunk texting again. Do I have doormat on my forehead? It all just goes to how much I do not understand about how things work.
I'll say it but only because its true, I may be very smart but I know nothing. Contradiction maybe but the reality is that this shit keeps on happening and I can not get a handle on it - I am stunned every time. Then to add insult to injury the friendships I try to forge I am fucking so afraid of messing them up that I do mess them up. (how ironic is that?) It is amazing to really be secure in who you are, to know that you are capable, trustworthy, and good but be incapable of carrying on external relationships without being called names.

Lost

I can feel my feet lifting off the floor
I'm high as a kite without the drugs
Consumed with the process
I'm looking for something to hold onto

An Undeniable sense of desperation
Wondering if the words will ever come
Will I Ever Be Satisfied
I'm feeling like something has come undone

A heaviness plagues me - I'm suffocating
Gasping for air - writing with a fury
Fire in my belly- trying to exercise the demons
I am Alone in this

Ive lost the expectation to be saved
There is no search party
No one even knows I'm gone
I am adrift and searching...

Smiling

The simplicity in conversation - It holds me.
Finding wonder in the transcending-
When I say I want this again...
It Is That.
Everything else is like confetti -
Beautiful and fun to play with
But messy to clean up.

Dissapointed

So tired of your belief that I am still that girl - The one you created
The one you thought I once was .
With you there is no room for growth - No allowance for change
We are stunted.

I am exhausted by the nostalgia in your voice...
I don't remember it happening that way.
The claim you have on me - the obligations that are attached are daunting.
I am frustrated.

Your obstinance suffocates me - You no longer see me (did you ever)
You are chasing the shadow of who you think I was
How dare You pimp me out like I'm your property -
Just to hold onto something that you never had.

Not everything is about you -Your Narcissism is offensive.
You could drown in all you don't know about me...
You think you know what I want -
You should start by finding out who I am.

Standing here at a crossroad, letting you go.
Choking on my tears -I am so afraid to loose you.
Devastated at the void... the echo remains.
Would you even notice I was gone?

~Archangel~

I'm watching the little things slip away.
I've been thinking so much about the Why?
That I'm not seeing the big picture.
Wrapped up - I'm living in my head now.
Having little contact with the world - if any.
I'm Hiding.
If I Loose Myself - Who Will Find Me?

Transfixed...
Transposed...

Daydreaming At Midnight.
Driving through the city
Your voice in the back of my mind - Challenging Me.
Lights trailing by
Chasing Ghosts
I am alone in this
A miraculous metamorphosis taking place
No Need to Find Me... I've found myself.
Waiting.
For something real -
A reason to touch the world

Villa

Temper Tantrum

Unwavering Vulnerability

Almost
Too
Painful
To
Express

I Run Towards It Head Long

Not
One
Word
Will
I
Write

Uncomfortable Silence Between Me And This Page

I
See
The
Words
I
Crave
Them

And Yet There Is Nothing For Me To Say

Philosophy

"Always act so as to treat humanity either yourself or others, always as an end and never a mean."
"...Therefore, the right thing to do is what we ought to do without reference to any consequences."

-Kant