Satisfied

I am writing from the place of total emptiness. I think I'm frustrated by the process...its depressing! Freedom of expression has become overrated for the time being. I can only guess at the topics over the past month it has all been a blurr. I almost don't remember writing them...I think I might have had diarrhea of the pen. But in all this I have learned a few things and once again I have had to grow - change - adapt to the lessons that have presented themselves.
Vulnerability that stems from the creative process can be like getting drunk. Oddly enough, getting drunk - not my idea of a good time and yet every night I have put my pen to paper and plugged away. And ironically enough, most of the time I have fought off the urge to be drunk dialer - A cry for help that has always went unheard. However, like any good night out, I woke wondering where the hell I was and where the fuck did my underwear go? I am against getting drunk and even more than that I am against vulnerability...
Fear is worse than being constipated. I am really good at being afraid - it comes pretty natural. But I am also really good at doing the things I am afraid of because I know I can't get anywhere standing still. The contradiction comes when its time to say what it is inside me - I'm fucking all backed up and the wall- I always run into - and I have made peace. I have moments when everything is flowing... its all good but when its not its really bad. I'm cranky, pissy might be a better word, over emotional (almost Hallmark like) and immobile. Fear can be the greatest motivator but if it gets control it can have a powerful hold.
So, now I'm sitting here wondering what have a ruined in the past month? I'm wondering if I will be able to fix whatever I broke and if not will I regret what I've done? I am hoping that I will be able to learn to pace myself because that is not one of the lessons I have learned yet. And I am praying that there is a balance out there for me. I am thankful for the little voice in my head that says no even though I rarely listen and I am thankful that I have the capability to write especially when I am feeling lost. But for now, I am satisfied...