I am confident that I do not want to be one of those girls that are on some guys list of chicks who throw themselves at him. I am also confident that any effort I make to define myself as anything else WILL most definitely be taken wrong (probably has been already.)
The thing is I put value on things other people do not. Honesty is priceless. When the desire to tell the truth is ignited it should be nurtured. And what I want to know is why is that so fucking wrong? Some people are completely ignorant to each other, to the effect they have on others and to the things others bring to the table that when I see goodness in people I am astounded. I tend to gravitate to it. And though it may be a sad state to be in, lately having no expectaitons seems like the obvious choice. It is a weakness for me and I do think it is often misread.
Part of that showed itself today, when I was told I lack social graces by someone I thought I knew. She was ignorant to start out with but it gave me pause anyway. First, I really wasn't sure why she would say such a thing. Then I wondered what the necessity for social graces was because it just seems like to have them I would have to be something I am not. And that is not something I am willing to do. I was taken back because she was not kind (she was down right mean) but she was at least trying to be honest... That is more than I can say for a lot of people.
This seems to be the week of getting exiled for me... I've been called a rouge by a bunch of college professors, I got called a bitch to my face in Panera Bread by a total stranger because I wouldn't take my headphones off while he was hitting on me and then the topper soldier boy started drunk texting again. Do I have doormat on my forehead? It all just goes to how much I do not understand about how things work.
I'll say it but only because its true, I may be very smart but I know nothing. Contradiction maybe but the reality is that this shit keeps on happening and I can not get a handle on it - I am stunned every time. Then to add insult to injury the friendships I try to forge I am fucking so afraid of messing them up that I do mess them up. (how ironic is that?) It is amazing to really be secure in who you are, to know that you are capable, trustworthy, and good but be incapable of carrying on external relationships without being called names.
The thing is I put value on things other people do not. Honesty is priceless. When the desire to tell the truth is ignited it should be nurtured. And what I want to know is why is that so fucking wrong? Some people are completely ignorant to each other, to the effect they have on others and to the things others bring to the table that when I see goodness in people I am astounded. I tend to gravitate to it. And though it may be a sad state to be in, lately having no expectaitons seems like the obvious choice. It is a weakness for me and I do think it is often misread.
Part of that showed itself today, when I was told I lack social graces by someone I thought I knew. She was ignorant to start out with but it gave me pause anyway. First, I really wasn't sure why she would say such a thing. Then I wondered what the necessity for social graces was because it just seems like to have them I would have to be something I am not. And that is not something I am willing to do. I was taken back because she was not kind (she was down right mean) but she was at least trying to be honest... That is more than I can say for a lot of people.
This seems to be the week of getting exiled for me... I've been called a rouge by a bunch of college professors, I got called a bitch to my face in Panera Bread by a total stranger because I wouldn't take my headphones off while he was hitting on me and then the topper soldier boy started drunk texting again. Do I have doormat on my forehead? It all just goes to how much I do not understand about how things work.
I'll say it but only because its true, I may be very smart but I know nothing. Contradiction maybe but the reality is that this shit keeps on happening and I can not get a handle on it - I am stunned every time. Then to add insult to injury the friendships I try to forge I am fucking so afraid of messing them up that I do mess them up. (how ironic is that?) It is amazing to really be secure in who you are, to know that you are capable, trustworthy, and good but be incapable of carrying on external relationships without being called names.
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